Do you do this? Do you see something that brings back a memory and then obsess about it for a long, long time? Does it hurt you, shockingly and acutely? This happens to me, and I realized this is why I tend to avoid things from the past. I have written about this before — about avoiding places in San Francisco for YEARS and then coming to terms with that, and also about avoiding music because it conjured too many memories I was ill-equipped to handle. I have also written about how as a younger person, I envisioned life as a straight line, neat and tidy and controlled. I felt like I was a failure because my life was so jumbled and messy. I know better now, but I do think that part of why I clung to that was because of the deep and relentless pain I experience when looking back at my perceived mistakes or lost relationships.
There is this car parked on a road I pass by daily when taking Pete to his internship. It is the exact replica of the car Adria drove when I last knew her. Adria is my ex-sister-in-law and former member of my family and best friend group. When I left her brother, she never spoke to me again. Like, never, not one word. She saw the kids a few times at her parents’ house, but never fully reengaged with them either. It was like we no longer existed to her. Initially, I called her and emailed her, but I soon realized it was not going to have an effect. Years later, when Paul died, my former brother-in-law and I met and I asked him directly about Adria. He said she was being loyal to Paul. I did not understand that as I wasn’t the one who cheated and abused. I HAD to leave. But that was how she responded to what had happened, and I guess on some level I understand.
Is it crazy that seeing a car like hers unravels me, 17 years later? I try to look right at it so I can desensitize myself, like I did with the places in San Francisco and the music. But I guess this is just how I am; I can’t look at that car and not think of her, just like I can’t listen to some songs and not think about certain times. I wonder if other people feel like a raw nerve all the time like I do. Always trying to avoid these landmines as I move through life.
Upon further reflection, I think Adria did what she had to do to survive. Although the divorce was mine and Paul’s, it had a ripple through the family and I’m sure it caused her pain, too. We all had this idea of what the future would hold, and then it was gone. As a person with challenges when it comes to the subleties in life, I can relate to Adria’s choice to erase me and the kids from her world. Maybe it just hurt too much. Maybe when I see the replica car, I will try to forgive her.
I had a roommate in college, Paula (shoutout to Paula! I love Paula!) who used to say, “goodbye, I wish you well” when she was moving on from somebody or trying to let go of somebody. She didn’t say this to the person directly, rather she said it like a mantra to herself. I remember not fully understanding this as I was clinging to all the people for dear life at the time. I could not fathom being able to let go AND wish them well! If they left, something had gone awry and I did not wish them well, I was mad and would be mad forever. Also, I did not want them to go and leave me and prove to me that I was unlovable. This was back when I still thought life was going to be linear and neat. I use Paula’s mantra now all the time. Some people and situations are not forever, and that is okay. I am not unlovable, but I am also not to everyone’s liking. Sometimes people leave or let me down, and I am certain there are folks out there that would say the same about me. But I do wish them well, now. All of them, even Adria.
Cheese Holiday 